the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
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some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
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how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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