Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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