in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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