not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
