yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
