No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
