I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
