Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
