Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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