Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
