well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
