Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
