If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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