Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
