In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
