What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
