the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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