cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
