You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
