The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
