Barsexuality is the new black.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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