He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
