your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
