She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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