Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
