she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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