Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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