don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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