it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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