The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
