gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
