I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
