I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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