He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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