i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
