Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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