i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
