Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
