so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
