I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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