just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
