just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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