Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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