I just threw up on my dentist
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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