she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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