Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
