Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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