youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Randomize
