Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
