for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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