your room smells of hookers.
And success
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
