You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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