Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
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just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
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Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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