why didn't you poke me back
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
