I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
