If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
