and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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