Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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