Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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