think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
