I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
