I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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