So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
